By Sandra Hawley-Kutzke
A remembrance of immense joy comes to mind. The sweat was dripping off my body as I entered my tenth hour of hard labor. My thoughts drifted back to a doctor telling me he didn’t know that I’d ever be able to have any children, wanting to put me on fertility drugs. "No, I’m only twenty-five." I said, "I’ve time to wait. Let’s see what happens." Two years later I was preparing to give birth to my first born. At the end of that tenth hour, my babe was placed in my arms. I had a daughter. Looking into that beautiful little face, I felt a joy unsurpassable by anything else up to that point in time. Then I heard it, a soft quiet voice, "Trust in Me, and I will give you the desires of your heart." Since that amazing day, I’ve been blessed two more times with two beautiful sons. As wonderful as that day was, there were still hard times ahead. There were times to come that would test my trust in God to the limit.
The front door slammed, rattling the windows. I cringed inside as I heard a raised voice, the slurred words, and the swearing. My husband had come home drunk, high on crack and looking for trouble, yet again. Thank God the kids were asleep, impervious to what was about to unfold. With my husband’s condition, my first concern was of my children. My 9 & 10 year old slept soundly in their rooms but our two year old lay sleeping in our bed. They’d seen, heard and gone through too much already in their young lives.
I crept to the door of our room, tiptoeing lest the creak in the floor give my presence away. I heard him mumbling and cursing, "Fucking bitch, I’ll show her, if she wants to be rid of me…," but the words became slurred making them impossible to understand. Then I heard it; the scraping sound of metal against metal, the shell dropping into the chamber, the slide and click as the shells were slid into place. "Oh Lord, what do I do?"
My heart felt like it would drop right out of my chest. The creak of the stairs had my mind filling with questions: was he going to shoot me, the kids, himself, all of us? Suddenly he was there, standing at the door to our room. As I stood blocking the doorway where our youngest lay sleeping, I glanced at my right hand, and my ring caught my eye. Then as I looked at the engraving, W.W.J.D. (What would Jesus do?), I heard it, that soft voice overriding the threats being thrown in my face. "Don’t be afraid, for I am with you." It was then that I felt a reassurance, a touch from Him upon my heart.
My husband handed me the gun telling me to shoot him if I wanted him out of my life. I carefully removed the shells from the gun. As I was sliding the shells into my pocket, I took a step back. He shoved me roughly and said, "Go ahead, shoot me, shoot me, shoot me." He kept repeating it over and over. He tried wrestling the empty gun from me to reload it again. I begged him to stop, lest he wake up our youngest. I told him I just wanted him to get help with his addictions. The words that spewed from his mouth were full of denial as he tried shifting the blame for his actions. The choices he made to drink and use drugs were suddenly my fault to bear. I slowly inched across the room to get to the phone. As I cradled the receiver to my ear, I threatened to call the police. Only then did he back off for a time, only to start up again. The rest of the night was a blur of him carrying on, swearing and making threats. Towards dawn he finally crawled into bed and passed out. I held strong to the thought that I was safe. I carefully lifted our son from the bed and slipped down the stairs.
By the grace of God I made it through that night. In the morning after my husband had passed out, I came across a brochure about Voices. A lady I’d worked for named Judy had given me. Voices, is a group that helps people caught up in abuse. They went with me to court that morning to get an emergency order of protection. All the judge had to hear was that there was a loaded gun in the house with the children. Without hesitation he signed it immediately. My parents gave us not only a safe place to stay till we could go back to our home, but were there with me every step of the way. Between my parents and Voices they helped me get through those next few weeks. But I feel that Judy was placed in my path for a reason. Without that information on Voices, I wouldn’t have known where to go. That night of absolute terror I could feel His presence. It was as if His arms were wrapped around me in comfort and protection. Jesus, my savior, my friend became the most important person in my life.
One of the things that life’s hardest lessons have taught me is to let it go. When I feel stressed over anything, be it grades, my children, a difficult situation and I’ve done all I can and can do no more. I have to just let it go! Worry won’t change it: my blood pressure goes up: I stew and dwell, and get cranky all over something of which I have no control.
I’ve had to talk myself into letting it go. Being a single mom hasn’t been easy, either emotionally or financially. At one point, my house payment was late: the bank was going to repossess my house, and I didn’t have the money. I’d been waiting for a check after being hurt at work. They didn’t know as yet when it would come or how much it would be for. I was working myself into a frenzy: I couldn’t lose our home. Finally that voice came to me yet again, "Let it go, give it to Me." So I held it up in prayer and let it go. Finally on the day that I had to have the payment of $742.68, my compensation check from work came in the mail. It was for the exact amount! My first thought was, "Why did I ever doubt?"
My relationship with Christ is what has made me the person I am today. From the strength He has given me during life’s many trials, the knowledge to let it go and trust in Him, to the celebration of life from the birth of my children. His presence through so many aspects of my life has made me a stronger, more caring, more compassionate person. My faith in Christ will get me through anything; His presence will make the pain more bearable and the joys more wonderful. I’m very thankful that He’s the guiding force within my life.